Only now am I beginning to taste the flavor of the pie that sat on the windowsill of my mind.

Two months, roughly 6 or 7 phone calls ago, a progressively more frequent series of texts, and some mid-day daydreams and every day since I’ve discovered.

I love you.

It was the abrupt…

Cover art for the song I quoted, “heavy is the head” by Ivy Sole.

Sometimes in life, I find myself hearing or seeing something that reminds me that we are all just connected streams of consciousness.

There I was midway through a stranger's publically posted suicide note, the words of a man I had never met, but in that sentence alone, I felt him…


It’s not something I lead with, so there’s never a formal apology. I don’t wander up and down store isles telling people, “I’m poor, please forgive me.”

Though maybe it is… sometimes my anxieties tell me others can trace the stench of poverty right down to my food choices. That…

Love. But keep it casual.

Two months before my senior year began, my mom walked in on me, in the basement of my family home, with my pants down around my ankles.
That day she got a view of my vagina she hadn’t seen since early childhood, and honey, I’ve changed some.

It was really…

I can’t…

I said, holding my paint brush nursing both my 8 month old son (ask later, motherhood is complex)and a blank canvas.

I just couldn’t.

Or so my brain kept telling me, as it searched for lines, tracings or anything that would dictate whether or not it was “doing…

I used to live my life one beginning to end. Sunup to sundown. Opening act to curtain call. Either everything I’ve ever read or watched has lied to me, or I’ve finally escaped the matrix, and here I am, free. Free to roam around this land of uncertainty and surprises.

Every google image result for “middle age” pulls images that look about like this, so I guess I’m middle age ish.

I know I’m not quite middle age, but I have this growing sense of non-excitement towards life.

No, this isn’t my chemical romance Mir, from 10th grade hanging in the gallows of my mind; hear me out…

Life isn’t shiny and new anymore.

New homes. New love. New jobs.


I read a quote a long time ago that said when the right person comes your way, there won’t be butterflies or nervousness. You’ll just feel calm. It took me a few rounds on the battlefields of love to get a fuller sense of that sentiment.

For a good period…

When a black girl cries, does anyone hear it?

I was afraid.

How many paces? Wandering across the unattended frontiers of my mind.

wild. Thirsty. Hungry.

Uninvited waves of emotion settling on my memories of you.

Minutes pass, I begin to realize my body is more afraid of the uncertainty of what it will do to me. …

Cash rules everything around me.

It does. I hate it.

Abraham Hicks would say you can’t get there from here.

Fine, money is like air. Neither good nor bad just there.

I just wanna know the rent is good.

I want to have plenty extra to buy something extra.


Miriam Gray

Mom • Writer • Entrepreneur • Curious Mind

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store