The worst is undoubtedly upon us.
I don’t know if I should be belting out Jolene or whoop that trick.
Before you ask, no. I don’t even like him like that — like that
But let us be clear, HE IS MINE.
*long drawn out sigh*
Fine, fine, fine.
She and I aren’t best friends.
At one time, we were friends enough to know quasi intimate detail about each other at one point, we may have had a few kiki moments in college, and there was that one time I paid her to babysit, and I held space for her to talk during a rough patch.
I know her to be an ok human being.
However, she is not. Date my baby daddy level ok.
Nor is she step-mom for Kenz fine.
She doesn’t look like me, think like me, or act like me. So how the hell can she be fine?
I’m beginning to think that up under all my protest is really the inner child in me screaming, SHE CAN’T REPLACE ME!
Like, he’s the father of my firstborn. He’s the man I still send embarrassing bathroom pics to; I always there, laugh about whatever, former first love.
And I, well I am the one to whom not even time can replace, that’s far more gratifying for my ego than the idea that someone else is good for him.
Why am I feeling any of these feelings at all? We haven’t fucked in 6 years. I’m happily dating someone else.
Despite the healthy level of normal we’ve reached as co-parents, I always knew our general chemistry was never going to be enough to overcome our different world views, and trying to would only mean the type of compromise I ain't willing to tread near.
He’s cheap. I’ll blow a bag on a dinner.
He wants to be practical; I want to dream.
Even in the face of all this truth, something in me wants to fight this. The human in me wants to take his new choices personally.
My brain is telling me “he is replacing you, don’t let him. He won’t be there for you anymore, DEATH IS UPON US.”
It starts doing odd things to avoid that I’m just triggered, and I really can choose gratitude for the opportunity to heal.
But that bitch won’t be getting a thank-you from me, ok, but *whispers* I am grateful.
These feelings are mine and mine alone, to accept, process, and understand.
No doubt that I will, or am, perhaps even have.
Today, I did my best with human emotions.