I know I’m not quite middle age, but I have this growing sense of non-excitement towards life.
No, this isn’t my chemical romance Mir, from 10th grade hanging in the gallows of my mind; hear me out…
Life isn’t shiny and new anymore.
New homes. New love. New jobs.
They’re all just different adventures with new variables. Every “new” experience” follows a predictable format.
It’s good, and it isn’t good. It’s hard, and it’s less hard.
Things loop around like this for a while, then one day, you’re done and on to another one.
In that is where I find this humdrum sense of “meh”… that’s met me. It’s not even really “meh-ness.”, and it’s more just a questioning of “is this it.”
A few more glasses of wine and I’ll start singing.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQhSeKbnkqI
“Is there more to life than sayin’ I figured it out?
Is there more? Yeah.”
I swear it’s not depression… Or at least not like any version of it that I’ve experienced. Maybe it is. Possibly my soul has quietly resolved itself to being done. Iono. If I die soon, this will be the answer everyone has always wanted to know. Yes, I knew.
Ok, ok, it’s just…
I’m not rushing towards anything, nor am I running from anything.
It just feels like I’m just punching time, day in and day out.
How much more efficiently can I do the things I’m doing? It is a question I occasionally ponder, and I know efficiency is what enables confidence, and with confidence comes variable scales of “flare” to these adventures.
Does that make sense? Like, one day, you decide to start washing your face. After a while, you may discover you want to use some washing agent, you decide on a face wash. You go on like this for a bit, and then you conclude you’re interested in adding to your routine as after your face wash, you’ve discovered your face feels dry. Perhaps you now use moisturizer. Along the way, you are met with the curiosity that maybe there is another face wash that offers different things. Big face wash calls these “benefits,” so you buy other, nay, better ones. Until one day, washing your face turns into an entire skincare routine.
IS THAT ALL THERE IS?!?!?!?! Just slowly scaling up and down on life meters?
Hondas turn to Benz’s. Toxic relationships turn to soul mates. Studio apartments to Mansions. Journal entries to medium post? One adventure after the next just rolling right along.
I also get the sense that, on some level, perhaps this is what the foundations of stability are.
Maybe?
For me, there only seems to be a thin line between cynicism and experience.
I know a night out drinking will probably not be worth the next day’s feelings.
I know a relationship though delightful, will also take a varied amount of unpredictable work.
I know a new home will come with its own set of challenges.
What are my alternatives?
Is this just the cost-benefit analysis used by sensible nervous systems?
I guess I have my whole life to answer my questions. Right?
