We sat in silence, and it was okay.
Not fighting, not after a fight nor before. Not
We weren’t doing the same thing. There wasn’t a similar point we were talking about. Or a shared emotion.
We both just sat in deep silence.
We were two individuals sharing space.
Initially, I noticed I was anxious. I felt like I needed to say something, comment on anything, mention or bring up something to cut the silence. There I was, getting ready to pour my anxiety into mindless chatter.
“Today I will practice the art of being silent”. Iyanla Vanzant
I sat with my own anxiety.
Is he thinking about critiquing me? Is he wondering what I’m doing and if I’m doing something wrong or right.
No, that wasn’t the relationship we have. This isn’t the past.
I was going to use chatter to distract him from attacking my character?
Had my incessant desire to chatter been a defense all mechanism all along?
In sitting in silence, right after I leaned into my own anxiety, I noticed it was ok to be quiet. Perhaps he wasn’t thinking about me. What if he was and wasn’t thinking anything negative? What if perhaps he was enjoying his own world.
So many wonderful thoughts restored my body to safety.
The wave of anxiety passed.
We sat, still in silence.
I began to feel safe in my own head and thoughts again.
I like this practice. I had always felt that the only way to be with someone was to either be doing the same thing or feeling the same one.
I am glad to learn more. To be wrong. To have not concluded.
It turns out; two people can enjoy each other without being involved with each other.
During the last full moon, I released the fear behind always needing to know how people felt about me or what they were thinking about me. I asked to exist as myself sure and at peace with me.
I released control, the illusion of it anyway.
